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Jake · #1 06-19-2010

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/c....column?page=1

Quote:

Now that I've had some time to cool off, I probably should make a formal apology to the people of Mali.

Sorry, my Malian friends.

Yes, it's true, I did loudly demand the annihilation of that nation because of the actions of Malian referee Koman Coulibaly. He almost ruined the U.S. in the World Cup on Friday.

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But an editor reminded me that advocating annihilation of Mali would be irresponsible. He's right. So I settled on severe economic sanctions, to gently send them back to the Stone Age.

Apparently, that won't work either. It turns out Mali is already one of the poorest nations on Earth. All it has are salt mines, some gold deposits, a few herds of skinny goats and not enough shade.

Also, you can't very well demand the slaughter of the national goat herds because of one empty-headed referee.

So please forgive me, people of Mali. I've never met any of you, though I'm sure you're very nice. Still, you probably should make amends, and here's how:

Send us all your gold, and a great pinch of salt to symbolize your eternal fealty, but give us only half your goat herds.

Oh, and deliver us this infamous Koman Coulibaly, alive and in good health but otherwise tightly wrapped in fresh grape leaves, so that we may forgive you. If you don't grow grapes, find some.

Coulibaly, whose name probably means "I hate America and I just ruined the greatest comeback in the history of soccer," was the referee in Friday's crucial World Cup game in South Africa.

An excerpt, lul

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